Frustrations resolved

Are you really just not ready for me?
Why does it hurt?
Can I survive the trauma?
How can this change me?


Why won't it stop?
How do you continue on?
Do you still care?
How are you standing tall?


Why do I feel still?
How can you ignore it?
How can you leave me?
Do you blame me?

Was it my fault?
Did I change?
Do I repulse you?
Did you ever love me?

What did I see in you?
Did I really cry over you?

The Secret Life of an American Teenager

So here's the thing: my life is not messed up enough that I need a secret life. Everyone that cares knows that I'm single again, and that as of Seven O'clock this evening, I hadn't cried about it. Well then I watched some dance movie, which I thought would be a save bet to help me along with the not crying thing, until the plot developed and duh duh duh! the main character found a hand shaped bruise  on her best friends arm, one created by her boyfriend. she confronts the boyfriend and wonder of wonders, he runs away. Only to come back when his girlfriend is alone at the house. He started hurting her and she tried to talk him out of it, but he just cut off her air while he yelled at her, until he was done yelling, and he let go but she didn't move. I haven't been able to keep from crying since. At first it was just about the movie, but within five minutes it wasn't any more. Hopefully I'll be able to convince Daniel to take his stuff to him tomorrow or Wednesday. Honestly though, if all the rest of my life wasn't so amazing I might have need for a secret life. I have ten of my best friends living in the same house and sharing my last name. I have amazing older sisters who force me to be better then my standard for myself. I hiked nine miles with one of my pregnant sisters and her best friend, slept through a sandstorm, watched a meteor shower, and slept in a vehicle that averaged one hundred miles per hour. I've been visited by all my friends that have been 'in the neighbor hood' and talked to others who just said the right thing. I hurt my toe the day before the hike, but it didn't hurt to bad as long as I kept my shoes off. ;) I hiked up to Angel's Landing and then did a bit of the Narrows and got soaked. :) My orange committed suicide, and a chiper-dee-munk ate the random bit of food that I accidently dropped because it's against the law to feed the animals so of course I didn't do it intentionally. ;) OH! And I'm terrified of heights. Good thing neither of them captured me hugging the ground after I felt unbalanced!

'Mormons' aka The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

I am so glad to be a part of this, the most complete church. I cannot even describe what I have felt these last few weeks as I've delved into the history of this church. I have never felt so loved and at peace. I want to cry, like Samuel of old, from a city wall that I know the truth. I want to show everyone how much peace and joy comes from knowing of our Heavenly Father's plan for us. I know I can see my little brother again. I want to shake people and somehow get it through their heads that they can live with their families forever. They will see them after death. I cannot say how much I have loved being surrounded by such strong youth.  I miss them more and more each day.

Drama? I love it!

No, I'm not talking about the kind of drama where your best friend does something you don't like and you fight for weeks. I'm talking about that wonderful group of kids currently taking middle school drama at my school, from the teacher I help. They are so cute!!!! They are currently learning a dance to perform in two days. They are totally rocking it! just wanted to say that because they made me laugh so hard today.

Australia

I kinda really wanna try an anzac cookie... Just saying. So, I'm almost done with high school. I have just over two weeks left before I'm done! I'm excited but it's awful to force myself to actually go to all my classes. I have two more ballroom performances and my little brother is also performing! the week after school ends I'm going camping with some of the girls from my neighborhood. Techniqually it's not even camping, we're going to a resort! I'M EXCITED! Also, my oldest sister found out two or three months ago that she's pregnant, and my third oldest sister got to seperate possitive test today! In nine months I'm going to be an aunt! TIMES TWO! Ani is excited no matter the gender, and Kaiti wants a boy. I'm hosting a group date at my house this saturday and it should be really fun. :) a fair amount of my friends are going to try to come so my mom can finally meet a bunch of them. There are a couple people who couldn't come for one reason or another, but we'll some more latter for them to come to. I'm tired so I'm not writing anymore. BYE!

Homosexuality

i read an article today about a man who is happy with his wife and son despite the fact that he feels same-sex attraction. it was very eye-opening. i really have a hard time reconciling my feelings toward homosexuality because i feel so strongly that if we really loved everyone the way we are supposed to we would never be able to treat them the way the are treated daily, especially in Utah. on the other hand, i believe that marriage is divinely destined to be a sacred bond between a man and a woman. this story really helped my realize that it is possible to have a loving relationship with a woman when your hormones are pulling you towards men.

that just struck me as a topic i wanted to talk about so there ya go! :)

Bleh...

My nose is red and my eyes are sore. i'm dehydrated and i really don't give a flying leap. i want to crumple to the ground and just lay there forever because it's hurts to much to stand and actually function.

I bumped my nose into the door and i've been taking tests all day. i forgot to drink today like every other day. i went running two days ago, and i've had ballroom practice everyday not to mention getting ready for the fine arts picture.

no i'm not upset about anything. :)

Naturally

   So naturally I'm myself, right? What if I don't know who myself is yet? I know who I want to be and I know who other people think I am, but I'm not either of those things yet.
   I am pretty. I see it sometimes after a run when I feel so sweaty and gross and I walk in the front door and I don't look half bad. I see it sometimes when I've spent forty minutes getting ready only to wash all the make-up off and try over again just to realize it looked better the first time round.
   I am smart. I know I am. It becomes blatantly obvious when I get one hundred percent on a test that I didn't study for, and didn't do the homework for the unit. I can't deny it when someone asks me for help in math or chemistry and I can without hardly thinking. I realize it when I can give great feedback in class while my nose is buried in my book.
   I am great with people. I know I get crabby and unpleasant, but even on those days I can't walk down the halls without being stopped every fifteen feet. No wonder I'm so often late to class. Another thing, my teachers don't count me tardy because I'm a favorite student, despite the fact that I don't put maximum effort in (A.K.A. I fail their class for most of the term and still manage to at least get a C based on tests.)
   I can dance. I know I never acknowledge it, but my dancing is the thing that brings me most joy. I want to learn most disparately but I don't have the money or time. I love it when someone says I'm good, not gonna lie, but I never agree because even though I love it with my whole soul, I'm not very good. I'm slightly above average (if even that) but I am not anywhere close to being 'good'.

Maybe my blog needs a name change

   Before I start, some cautions: I know I need to be myself and no one else. I know I should live life for me. I know that my choices are my own and not anyone else's. 

   Now to start:

   I wish I was as friendly and positive as my oldest sister. I wish I was as pretty and smart and spiritual and tall as my second oldest sister. I wish I was as strong and sure and useful and beautiful and sincere as my third oldest sister. I wish I had as good of grades as my little sister. I wish I was as funny as my two oldest brothers, I also wish I knew how to work on cars and houses as well as they do. I wish I could be all of them combined. Don't get me wrong, none of them are perfect, but the way my mom lays into me every time I 'highly disappoint' her, you'd think they were all angels not yet passed through the veil for the first time. I wish I could be the perfect daughter, sister, and friend.I wish I didn't feel like dirt every time I talk to my mom. I wish I could be everything everyone else wants me to be. I wish I could be my mom's angel not every 'disappointing' her again. I know what my counselor would say, "Your life is not your mother's life, only you can control it."

   See the thing is, I want to dance, more than anything in the world. After 'talking' with my mom yesterday, I was pulled out of my ballroom class. I was told to limit social time to when I need help on homework. I never need help on homework. If I don't know how to do it, chances are no one else got how to do it either. I'm not bragging, but I get things a lot easier than most people. I'm the one most of my peers go to for help. 

   I wish I was someone else. Someone perfect. I'm sorry mom.