When the Lights Go Out

Sometimes things go from bad to worse. Sometimes we reach out for the light switch, and get shocked. Honestly, I have a great life. I am able to do many things I could only have imagined a year ago. I was going through the Krispy Kreme drive through about a week ago, and the exit was covered in black ice. I slide down into a curb. Only my front passenger tire hit. I got out of the drive through, and parked to check out the damage. There was none!! 
I went home, ate my donuts and went to bed. As I was driving around doing errands the next day, my brake light comes on. I thought it was weird, but it was fine. Brakes were still working so no need to panic. Within a few days I, in essence had no brakes. I learned to use my ebrake and shift into nuetural to stop pretty fast though. Great fun, that.
All in all I drove at least ten miles a day for the better part of a week until my dad could look at it. Turns out I knocked a connection loose in the break line and break fluid started leaking. My dad tightened it back up and filled the fluid up, and now I have breaks again!
So when the lights go out, or even if your breaks do, remember to light a candle before you try to fix the fuse!

Concussions are not conducive to an active life

Almost two months ago I was playing a team version of minute to win it. One of the challenges was to spin a whole roll of toilet paper around myself. Now I'm a dancer, but after three minutes straight of spinning, I was dizzy. I slipped on some of the toilet paper. The floor, which had already been spinning, came towards my face as I went flying. My head connected with the edge of a wooden stair. I blacked out.

I woke up just a few seconds later, but I knew what had happened and nothing much seemed to be that matter, it didn't even hurt. At least it didn't hurt much right then. By the time I left the building, I couldn't walk steadily. I am a well balanced person normally due to all the dancing I do, but I was all over the place walking to my car. My head felt fuzzy. I drive myself home, but I know I was swerving all over the road. I walk inside and got some ice for my head. It was really starting to hurt and I felt almost as if I was confined inside the pain in my head, floating above the rest of my body.

My mom got home soon after. She looked at me, and asked what the ice was for. I told her what had happened. She promptly sent me to bed with instructions to wake her if I threw up. I woke up a couple hours later and ran down the hall to the bathroom. I was sick. I fell asleep on the floor waking up once more with a nasty surge in my throat. After that I went back to my room, to tired to make it down the stair to my mom's room. When my mom woke up the next morning I was asleep in an armchair with my niece who had been crying all morning. She asked me how my night had gone. When she heard the answer she called my doctor. An exam and a CT scan later, I had a huge aversion to light, I had seen a picture of my brain, and I had a doctors orders to stay in bed and do nothing but watch movies.

I was supposed to leave on an LDS mission six days later. I was on edge all week not knowing if they would let me go that week or not. I met with all my family and friends and said goodbye on sunday, still unsure if I was leaving that week. Monday I had a plethora of visitors wishing me well and preventing me from resting from a particularly nasty headache. Tuesday dawned and I forced tylenol and IBUprofen into my system as fast as was safe. The headaches were better, enough so that I was able to pack that day. The next day, again loaded on pain relievers, I entered the MTC optimistic of my condition. Far too much so. The next day the headaches were back in force. Friday I was refered, or rather ordered, to the MTC medical clinic. They referred me to a clinic at the Provo hospital that frequently dealt with concussions.  

We made an appointment for Tuesday.  By the time Sunday rolled around I was so dizzy and nauseous that I was unable to stomach any food. The pain of the headaches was waking me up frequently at night. Tuesday my vision started to flicker. I was terrified. We went to see the doctors and whilst talking to my mother they agreed that going home to recover might be the best option.

After many meetings with different leaders, it was decided. I would leave Wednesday or Thursday. We went back to the classroom and tried to continue the studies scheduled for that time. I looked down at the page and the words were moving and blurring. The lights started to throb and pulsate. Sound became muffled and then suddenly deafening. Then the first wave of pain hit. I thought the pain that had been waking me at night was bad, but it was nothing. Wave after wave of this awful pain slammed into my head. I couldn't see anything but flashing lights. Sounds were so loud they were unintelligible. All I understood was the pain. I started to cry, scream, beg for the pain to go away. I said no over and over again.

I felt like I was being poked and pulled. Yanked in several directions at once. I felt a strong stab of pain on the side of my skull soon replaced by a new wave of pain from inside my head. It felt like hours, or seconds later that I became aware of another young sister missionary talking to me, asking me questions. I answered in between waves.  I was in another room. It had only been twenty minutes. I had walked part of the way out of the room supported by one of the young men that was in our classroom. He'd let go in the hall thinking I would support myself and I'd fallen into a wall. They had given me a blessing by the power and authority of the God of Abraham,  Issac, and Jacob.

One of the other young men had ran across the MTC campus to the med clinic, and had run back carrying a wheelchair over his head, yelling at everyone to move. They carried me to the wheelchair since the only way out of the building was down a flight of stairs. All of the lights were too strong, noises too loud. Everything was echoing in my head. I was home in two hours.

I'm hoping to be able to go back soon, but words and pages still blur. This post has been written in parts. I have not had a day go by in which I had even a few moments of being headache free.

It all starts with 'Almost two months ago'.

Frustrations resolved

Are you really just not ready for me?
Why does it hurt?
Can I survive the trauma?
How can this change me?


Why won't it stop?
How do you continue on?
Do you still care?
How are you standing tall?


Why do I feel still?
How can you ignore it?
How can you leave me?
Do you blame me?

Was it my fault?
Did I change?
Do I repulse you?
Did you ever love me?

What did I see in you?
Did I really cry over you?

The Secret Life of an American Teenager

So here's the thing: my life is not messed up enough that I need a secret life. Everyone that cares knows that I'm single again, and that as of Seven O'clock this evening, I hadn't cried about it. Well then I watched some dance movie, which I thought would be a save bet to help me along with the not crying thing, until the plot developed and duh duh duh! the main character found a hand shaped bruise  on her best friends arm, one created by her boyfriend. she confronts the boyfriend and wonder of wonders, he runs away. Only to come back when his girlfriend is alone at the house. He started hurting her and she tried to talk him out of it, but he just cut off her air while he yelled at her, until he was done yelling, and he let go but she didn't move. I haven't been able to keep from crying since. At first it was just about the movie, but within five minutes it wasn't any more. Hopefully I'll be able to convince Daniel to take his stuff to him tomorrow or Wednesday. Honestly though, if all the rest of my life wasn't so amazing I might have need for a secret life. I have ten of my best friends living in the same house and sharing my last name. I have amazing older sisters who force me to be better then my standard for myself. I hiked nine miles with one of my pregnant sisters and her best friend, slept through a sandstorm, watched a meteor shower, and slept in a vehicle that averaged one hundred miles per hour. I've been visited by all my friends that have been 'in the neighbor hood' and talked to others who just said the right thing. I hurt my toe the day before the hike, but it didn't hurt to bad as long as I kept my shoes off. ;) I hiked up to Angel's Landing and then did a bit of the Narrows and got soaked. :) My orange committed suicide, and a chiper-dee-munk ate the random bit of food that I accidently dropped because it's against the law to feed the animals so of course I didn't do it intentionally. ;) OH! And I'm terrified of heights. Good thing neither of them captured me hugging the ground after I felt unbalanced!

'Mormons' aka The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

I am so glad to be a part of this, the most complete church. I cannot even describe what I have felt these last few weeks as I've delved into the history of this church. I have never felt so loved and at peace. I want to cry, like Samuel of old, from a city wall that I know the truth. I want to show everyone how much peace and joy comes from knowing of our Heavenly Father's plan for us. I know I can see my little brother again. I want to shake people and somehow get it through their heads that they can live with their families forever. They will see them after death. I cannot say how much I have loved being surrounded by such strong youth.  I miss them more and more each day.

Drama? I love it!

No, I'm not talking about the kind of drama where your best friend does something you don't like and you fight for weeks. I'm talking about that wonderful group of kids currently taking middle school drama at my school, from the teacher I help. They are so cute!!!! They are currently learning a dance to perform in two days. They are totally rocking it! just wanted to say that because they made me laugh so hard today.

Australia

I kinda really wanna try an anzac cookie... Just saying. So, I'm almost done with high school. I have just over two weeks left before I'm done! I'm excited but it's awful to force myself to actually go to all my classes. I have two more ballroom performances and my little brother is also performing! the week after school ends I'm going camping with some of the girls from my neighborhood. Techniqually it's not even camping, we're going to a resort! I'M EXCITED! Also, my oldest sister found out two or three months ago that she's pregnant, and my third oldest sister got to seperate possitive test today! In nine months I'm going to be an aunt! TIMES TWO! Ani is excited no matter the gender, and Kaiti wants a boy. I'm hosting a group date at my house this saturday and it should be really fun. :) a fair amount of my friends are going to try to come so my mom can finally meet a bunch of them. There are a couple people who couldn't come for one reason or another, but we'll some more latter for them to come to. I'm tired so I'm not writing anymore. BYE!

Homosexuality

i read an article today about a man who is happy with his wife and son despite the fact that he feels same-sex attraction. it was very eye-opening. i really have a hard time reconciling my feelings toward homosexuality because i feel so strongly that if we really loved everyone the way we are supposed to we would never be able to treat them the way the are treated daily, especially in Utah. on the other hand, i believe that marriage is divinely destined to be a sacred bond between a man and a woman. this story really helped my realize that it is possible to have a loving relationship with a woman when your hormones are pulling you towards men.

that just struck me as a topic i wanted to talk about so there ya go! :)

Bleh...

My nose is red and my eyes are sore. i'm dehydrated and i really don't give a flying leap. i want to crumple to the ground and just lay there forever because it's hurts to much to stand and actually function.

I bumped my nose into the door and i've been taking tests all day. i forgot to drink today like every other day. i went running two days ago, and i've had ballroom practice everyday not to mention getting ready for the fine arts picture.

no i'm not upset about anything. :)

Naturally

   So naturally I'm myself, right? What if I don't know who myself is yet? I know who I want to be and I know who other people think I am, but I'm not either of those things yet.
   I am pretty. I see it sometimes after a run when I feel so sweaty and gross and I walk in the front door and I don't look half bad. I see it sometimes when I've spent forty minutes getting ready only to wash all the make-up off and try over again just to realize it looked better the first time round.
   I am smart. I know I am. It becomes blatantly obvious when I get one hundred percent on a test that I didn't study for, and didn't do the homework for the unit. I can't deny it when someone asks me for help in math or chemistry and I can without hardly thinking. I realize it when I can give great feedback in class while my nose is buried in my book.
   I am great with people. I know I get crabby and unpleasant, but even on those days I can't walk down the halls without being stopped every fifteen feet. No wonder I'm so often late to class. Another thing, my teachers don't count me tardy because I'm a favorite student, despite the fact that I don't put maximum effort in (A.K.A. I fail their class for most of the term and still manage to at least get a C based on tests.)
   I can dance. I know I never acknowledge it, but my dancing is the thing that brings me most joy. I want to learn most disparately but I don't have the money or time. I love it when someone says I'm good, not gonna lie, but I never agree because even though I love it with my whole soul, I'm not very good. I'm slightly above average (if even that) but I am not anywhere close to being 'good'.

Maybe my blog needs a name change

   Before I start, some cautions: I know I need to be myself and no one else. I know I should live life for me. I know that my choices are my own and not anyone else's. 

   Now to start:

   I wish I was as friendly and positive as my oldest sister. I wish I was as pretty and smart and spiritual and tall as my second oldest sister. I wish I was as strong and sure and useful and beautiful and sincere as my third oldest sister. I wish I had as good of grades as my little sister. I wish I was as funny as my two oldest brothers, I also wish I knew how to work on cars and houses as well as they do. I wish I could be all of them combined. Don't get me wrong, none of them are perfect, but the way my mom lays into me every time I 'highly disappoint' her, you'd think they were all angels not yet passed through the veil for the first time. I wish I could be the perfect daughter, sister, and friend.I wish I didn't feel like dirt every time I talk to my mom. I wish I could be everything everyone else wants me to be. I wish I could be my mom's angel not every 'disappointing' her again. I know what my counselor would say, "Your life is not your mother's life, only you can control it."

   See the thing is, I want to dance, more than anything in the world. After 'talking' with my mom yesterday, I was pulled out of my ballroom class. I was told to limit social time to when I need help on homework. I never need help on homework. If I don't know how to do it, chances are no one else got how to do it either. I'm not bragging, but I get things a lot easier than most people. I'm the one most of my peers go to for help. 

   I wish I was someone else. Someone perfect. I'm sorry mom.

So....Ungrounded

I AM UN-GROUNDED!!!!!!!!!!!! MOVIE NIGHT TONIGHT!!!!!!! I'm so excited! Can't wait for date night tomorrow! :D

Unsaid Words

So I adore working with Gerber everyday. I LOVE the drama chickens. I have gained a great friend in Tenika thanks to Journalism, the drama chickens, and dropping out of AP chem together (Finals are next week and then I never have to try to warp my brain into separate universes at light speed to understand the topics brought up by those around me.) and I'm so glad to know her. Life is crazy, but I can laugh at it all and smile.

I really miss Michael, but am grateful every time I get to see him (I'm ungrounded end of next week by the way.) and can I just say that I love feeling comfortable with myself around him. I don't have to use small words (or define any words), I don't have to hold in my emotions around him for fear of him trying to run into semi's later, and I don't have to stress about being perfect every second of every minute I'm around him. (though admittedly we only get to see each other twice a week, for minutes at a time...did I mention I'm excited to be ungrounded?)

I love "The Hairnet", and I'm soo glad that it doesn't have to be reviewed by the Board of Directors. Gerber I'm working on a teen pregnancy piece, will it come before or after the 'Horrorscopes'? Also, I love the mock-ups of dearblankpleaseblank that Tenika and I wrote.

I am seriously considering starting private ballroom lessons, but don't have a partner. I would like to ask one or two of the guys from ballroom, but private lessons are expensive. I just don't feel like I'm progressing at all in our 'class' after school. It was supposed to be a team, with at least one coach who could teach cabaret, but there isn't. We haven't moved beyond basic steps all term because we've been reteaching the basics every single class, but without fail someone wasn't paying attention, or wasn't there the day before, so we start all over again. I dance because I feel so in sync with myself, my partner, and those who's problems are rolling around in my head. I feel like I'm more than whole, like I'm graceful and even a little beautiful. I can't feel that way if most of the class is spent on steps I learned four years ago. I love when Mr. Call comes and actually dances with the girls because I can feel in sync doing anything, any step, and mistake even. That's what it's about, it's about feeling right deep down to your core (though sometimes it's hard to feel that right and/or whole in your core when you can't feel your core after the first warm-up stretches.)

Maybe I will progress in ballroom and be able to compete internationally, but right now I'd settle for being able to compete at all. Actually, I'd settle for being able to feel the rightness of dance everyday.

The unconscious brain provides us with about four hundred words per second to say. Those words go through the filter between our conscious and unconscious minds. We never use all those words, ever. Those words we don't use that our brains have supplied up with, translates into our bodies. A lot of it translates into body language. Did you know that your body language can tell you where you store all those extra words? Well it can, and does. People that are really animated and use their hands to speak, will aways have a base position or motion. That tells you the place, or places, that bother that person the most with their body, aka the place they store their unsaid words. This can often translate into physical pain. My mom thinks that's part of why I've felt so sick. She wanted me to write something every week to help with letting the words out safely. That's how this post started I guess. The unsaid words wanted to be heard.

Also, Greg should stop trying to avoid Amanda. He's not tactful in the least. For now I say, 'Farewell.'

Today

What's your definition of a kiss? Just wondering.

Life is like a swiftly tilting planet, and the milkyway comes from the cow who jumped over the moon.

"Dear Mother,

 

"On purpose?" is not an appropriate response when I tell you I went jogging.

 

Sincerely, no, I was being chased by gophers."

 

I thought that was funny, thanks dearblankpleaseblank.com!

I know I'm not alone, but seriously?!?

So, I had a REALLY BAD day yesterday... I don't know why really. I just am so stressed over my AP classes that I'm kinda just shutting down. My body is on strike again. It's sending shooting pains through my arms (like fingertips up into the base of my neck) and also in my leg. Caffeine makes my head feel fuzzy and funny, and not in a good way. I had some for the first time yesterday, and it totally overpowered the Ibuprofen I'd taken earlier that day. But Dr. Pepper tastes pretty good... I talked to my cousin for awhile after that (maybe that's why I was in a bad mood not the caffeine...Not that my cousin makes me grumpy, but he made me talk about things that make me grumpy because he didn't know about any of it.) And then I went home...an hour late...my mom was so mad! I had been helping someone with chemistry which is why we had stayed, and then while I was talking to my cousin, she had been finishing her homework. My mom yelled at me when I got home. and I went into my room and cried, then I went downstairs to get more Ibuprofen, and my older sister (who normally is the one who comforts me) told me that my younger brother (who had had to wait at the school while I was busy) had told her that she was suppose to ignore me, and then she did just that. I was crying again before I turned around, but she kept ignoring me. I cried for several minutes before I calmed myself down enough to start on my AP History homework. I finished all of my homework before I had mutual, and I didn't want to go. I really think that life is just having issues. I'm sitting by some of my friends I've known since 8th grade, and they haven't noticed that I'm crying, they're to busy. GRRRRRRRRR sometimes I hate myself. I hate being jealous, I hate being small, I hate my nose, I hate how I never reach my potential, I hate that I know everyone, but almost no one knows me. I'm done writing for awhile because it makes me too upset.

loosely fitting skin # dos

I'm me. I know that's who I am, but who is me? Me is a little girl who spends more time consulting novels than her parents. Me is a girl who wanted to read so bad, but my mom wouldn't teach me until my older sister had almost finished. Me is a girl who has to look out for everyone while they think they're looking out for me. Me is a girl who just wants to be done with high school and on to college. Me is a girl who sat for hours on her bed reading, all through the night most of the time. Me is a girl who struggles to gain weight because when I was sitting on my bed reading, I wouldn't eat, I would forget. Me is someone who has nightmares every night, even though they're supposed to be for little kids. Me is a girl who went by the nickname 'nobody' in ninth grade. Me is the person who's best friend 'set her up' with her first boyfriend, and regretted it. Me is someone who can't hate anybody, but wishes she could sometimes. Me is a girl who is invisible to teachers and administration. Me is a girl who is slightly bi-polar sometimes. Me is a girl who adores Michael. Me is a girl who hears awful things everyday from people who are dating. Me is a girl. Me is, well, me.

Writing helps

I know I sound like a whiny little child whose candy was just dropped in a pile of dirt and leaves, but I'm not entirely sure I can help it. I don't know how to make anything better, I'm so scarred that when people come and go, the people I need the most will go. I know the world is a dark place if that's all you look for, I understand that it can be the happiest place known to man if we're looking in the right places, so I guess I just need some practice. I have amazing people surrounding me, my family, my friends, even my less-than-friend friends. They all have amazing things about them, and I know because I can't help but see those things. No matter how long winter seems, summer will always come. I get to see Michael at least twice a week. :) I am smart and can get whatever grades I chose. I get to see my dad this weekend. My sister is being ordained as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am extremely fit for someone who does almost no physical activity (I'm extremely fit for any teenage girl actually.) I get to do a project on Texi Dance Halls around World War II with two great friends. I can control myself when I need to. Oh who am I kidding? I'm an extremely luck person. Despite that, I'm still a person, one who is still scarred of the same things, "sex, love, rock 'n' roll, heavy metal disco." actually that pretty much sums it up. Have a good life y'all! :D

Life in This Losely Fitting Skin

Michael, thank you for being so AMAZING! No, when I say 'that's on the list' it isn't because I don't like it, or it doesn't make me happy, it's because I need boundaries because I'm scared. No matter how hard I try to just act annoyed at what people say, I'm terrified of becoming pregnant, whether I'm married at the time or no, and I am scared of losing you, even if it's only for a few seconds if you lose your head. I know it happens, I don't want it to happen to you. I love you. And that terrifies me. Things are crazy enough as it is without a boyfriend, but I couldn't do without you. (no Kemsley I'm NOT dependant, just ecstatic to be around him) I don't know what will happen in the future, and I don't know when I'll get married, or to whom, I don't know if it'll be a return missionary or not, but I know I want to get married in the temple. I want to be able to stand before God and have my spouse by my side. The thing is, I'm scared I'll never make it, not that I'm not worthy for the temple, but that my body will shut down first. Already it hurts to eat, and it hurts not to eat. It hurts to stand, or to stand to long. I want to curl up next to you and fall asleep when that happens, because sleep helps, I just can't sleep through the night.

I'm sO Mad RiGHt noW I feEl LiKe cRyIng

So one of my favorite subjects this past year was Chemistry. I was planning on taking AP Chem this year, my senior year. I was told last spring, by my counselor, that that would be just fine because I passed Algebra 2 with such high grades (not to mention Chemistry). So imagine my surprise this fall while registering for classes, when AP Chem is not on the available class list. I emailed my counselor very upset and asked what had happened. He emailed me back and told me I couldn't take the class, no explanation or anything. So when we went in to talk to my little brother's counselor, we asked about AP Chem, and she told us that AP Chem wasn't full and she could put me in it if we went and talked to my Chem teacher first to make sure I was up to it according to him (she also said that my counselor believed in having students take Biology, Chemistry, and Physics and I haven't had physics but that shouldn't be a problem if I was OK with out it). We talked to him and he explained that there were so many students wanting to take AP that they were having to limit the admission, so they had four slots open, and a waiting list for those slots. He told us that because I am a senior, and I have finished the minimum math level requirement (Algebra 2) that I would be top of the list. He told me that just over two weeks before school starts, he also told us that 1. I should email him so he'd remember to put me on the list, and 2. It would be decided by the following Thursday (yesterday). When I didn't hear anything for most of the day yesterday I emailed him and asked what was going on, and he told me that he was sorry, but I hadn't made it into any of the four open slots. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW I COULD BE TOP OF THE LIST AND STILL NOT GET IN! Can someone PLEASE explain that to me?!? Other then that life has been great... except the staying up til three to clean my sister's apartment (fun but late) and the not being able to see my friends because I lack a car, and they lack Driver's licenses (still, at almost 18) and the dishes, which are a mess. and the fact that I haven't eaten enough today and my blazer and my school tie disappearing. oh and lets not forget the fact that I hurt all over and won't see the chiropractor till Monday. To top it all off, I might not be able to dance next year. Something about not making my brothers wait for me after school since I'm the driver.

Driving Slow on Sunday Morning

Listening to Maroon 5 right now and I feel distinctly like crying, for no reason. Ever had those moments when everything hits you all at once and suddenly it's like you can't get enough oxygen, like someone is standing to close breathing in just before you do and you're in an enclosed space and no one seems to notice as you die a little? Your brain zones out and it's all you can do to keep from screaming right then and there, or falling to your knees trying to hold in the hole in your middle that seems to be trying it's hardest to split you in two, but you keep smiling long enough to find a room? You just manage to hold it together, and let’s face it; most of the people around you are on the verge of breaking down too? Well, I have no idea what that feels like. Let's try another one. Have you ever been around someone who has the ability to not only finish your sentences, but your thoughts? Someone who makes you feel so weak to be around them, because the only thing keeping you from telling them that they mean the world to you (or at least part of your world) is the fact that you're scared of what they would say or think, and you know they don't censure anything like that around you, because they are so not interested? Someone that you're grudging to be around, until you see them, and then it doesn't matter how much you know it will hurt later, because all that matters is the fact that they make you laugh and you don't have to worry about anything, anything but their reaction to a rant too late at night for you to censure anything you think, let alone feel? Yeah, never felt that either. Oh I know! How about when you listen to peoples' problems, and they seem so trivial and normal compared to what you see each night in your dreams? Dreams that take hours to get over? And these people have no idea, because they don't only not want to know, they refuse to listen to the horrors? Or when a song describes you so perfectly, except it doesn't seem as extreme as your life? Or when songs you used to love are ruined because it describes someone you know perfectly, and not in the way you always thought the song was describing the hero before? Nope, that one doesn't relate either. How about when music starts to get twisted because the notes are too painful to listen to? When the thing that's always been your main source of comfort feels painful because it reminds you too much of the others you've known who love, or loved, those sounds almost as much as you do? The thing you move to, breathe to, and wanted to live your life to, is now something that just suspends you in times lost and gone? Times that were happy, and are now unreachable; times that are regretted and that you want to go back to with you're whole being so you can change them? Hmm, sounds a little familiar... nope doesn't ring a bell.