I know I'm not alone, but seriously?!?

So, I had a REALLY BAD day yesterday... I don't know why really. I just am so stressed over my AP classes that I'm kinda just shutting down. My body is on strike again. It's sending shooting pains through my arms (like fingertips up into the base of my neck) and also in my leg. Caffeine makes my head feel fuzzy and funny, and not in a good way. I had some for the first time yesterday, and it totally overpowered the Ibuprofen I'd taken earlier that day. But Dr. Pepper tastes pretty good... I talked to my cousin for awhile after that (maybe that's why I was in a bad mood not the caffeine...Not that my cousin makes me grumpy, but he made me talk about things that make me grumpy because he didn't know about any of it.) And then I went home...an hour late...my mom was so mad! I had been helping someone with chemistry which is why we had stayed, and then while I was talking to my cousin, she had been finishing her homework. My mom yelled at me when I got home. and I went into my room and cried, then I went downstairs to get more Ibuprofen, and my older sister (who normally is the one who comforts me) told me that my younger brother (who had had to wait at the school while I was busy) had told her that she was suppose to ignore me, and then she did just that. I was crying again before I turned around, but she kept ignoring me. I cried for several minutes before I calmed myself down enough to start on my AP History homework. I finished all of my homework before I had mutual, and I didn't want to go. I really think that life is just having issues. I'm sitting by some of my friends I've known since 8th grade, and they haven't noticed that I'm crying, they're to busy. GRRRRRRRRR sometimes I hate myself. I hate being jealous, I hate being small, I hate my nose, I hate how I never reach my potential, I hate that I know everyone, but almost no one knows me. I'm done writing for awhile because it makes me too upset.

loosely fitting skin # dos

I'm me. I know that's who I am, but who is me? Me is a little girl who spends more time consulting novels than her parents. Me is a girl who wanted to read so bad, but my mom wouldn't teach me until my older sister had almost finished. Me is a girl who has to look out for everyone while they think they're looking out for me. Me is a girl who just wants to be done with high school and on to college. Me is a girl who sat for hours on her bed reading, all through the night most of the time. Me is a girl who struggles to gain weight because when I was sitting on my bed reading, I wouldn't eat, I would forget. Me is someone who has nightmares every night, even though they're supposed to be for little kids. Me is a girl who went by the nickname 'nobody' in ninth grade. Me is the person who's best friend 'set her up' with her first boyfriend, and regretted it. Me is someone who can't hate anybody, but wishes she could sometimes. Me is a girl who is invisible to teachers and administration. Me is a girl who is slightly bi-polar sometimes. Me is a girl who adores Michael. Me is a girl who hears awful things everyday from people who are dating. Me is a girl. Me is, well, me.

Writing helps

I know I sound like a whiny little child whose candy was just dropped in a pile of dirt and leaves, but I'm not entirely sure I can help it. I don't know how to make anything better, I'm so scarred that when people come and go, the people I need the most will go. I know the world is a dark place if that's all you look for, I understand that it can be the happiest place known to man if we're looking in the right places, so I guess I just need some practice. I have amazing people surrounding me, my family, my friends, even my less-than-friend friends. They all have amazing things about them, and I know because I can't help but see those things. No matter how long winter seems, summer will always come. I get to see Michael at least twice a week. :) I am smart and can get whatever grades I chose. I get to see my dad this weekend. My sister is being ordained as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am extremely fit for someone who does almost no physical activity (I'm extremely fit for any teenage girl actually.) I get to do a project on Texi Dance Halls around World War II with two great friends. I can control myself when I need to. Oh who am I kidding? I'm an extremely luck person. Despite that, I'm still a person, one who is still scarred of the same things, "sex, love, rock 'n' roll, heavy metal disco." actually that pretty much sums it up. Have a good life y'all! :D

Life in This Losely Fitting Skin

Michael, thank you for being so AMAZING! No, when I say 'that's on the list' it isn't because I don't like it, or it doesn't make me happy, it's because I need boundaries because I'm scared. No matter how hard I try to just act annoyed at what people say, I'm terrified of becoming pregnant, whether I'm married at the time or no, and I am scared of losing you, even if it's only for a few seconds if you lose your head. I know it happens, I don't want it to happen to you. I love you. And that terrifies me. Things are crazy enough as it is without a boyfriend, but I couldn't do without you. (no Kemsley I'm NOT dependant, just ecstatic to be around him) I don't know what will happen in the future, and I don't know when I'll get married, or to whom, I don't know if it'll be a return missionary or not, but I know I want to get married in the temple. I want to be able to stand before God and have my spouse by my side. The thing is, I'm scared I'll never make it, not that I'm not worthy for the temple, but that my body will shut down first. Already it hurts to eat, and it hurts not to eat. It hurts to stand, or to stand to long. I want to curl up next to you and fall asleep when that happens, because sleep helps, I just can't sleep through the night.

I'm sO Mad RiGHt noW I feEl LiKe cRyIng

So one of my favorite subjects this past year was Chemistry. I was planning on taking AP Chem this year, my senior year. I was told last spring, by my counselor, that that would be just fine because I passed Algebra 2 with such high grades (not to mention Chemistry). So imagine my surprise this fall while registering for classes, when AP Chem is not on the available class list. I emailed my counselor very upset and asked what had happened. He emailed me back and told me I couldn't take the class, no explanation or anything. So when we went in to talk to my little brother's counselor, we asked about AP Chem, and she told us that AP Chem wasn't full and she could put me in it if we went and talked to my Chem teacher first to make sure I was up to it according to him (she also said that my counselor believed in having students take Biology, Chemistry, and Physics and I haven't had physics but that shouldn't be a problem if I was OK with out it). We talked to him and he explained that there were so many students wanting to take AP that they were having to limit the admission, so they had four slots open, and a waiting list for those slots. He told us that because I am a senior, and I have finished the minimum math level requirement (Algebra 2) that I would be top of the list. He told me that just over two weeks before school starts, he also told us that 1. I should email him so he'd remember to put me on the list, and 2. It would be decided by the following Thursday (yesterday). When I didn't hear anything for most of the day yesterday I emailed him and asked what was going on, and he told me that he was sorry, but I hadn't made it into any of the four open slots. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW I COULD BE TOP OF THE LIST AND STILL NOT GET IN! Can someone PLEASE explain that to me?!? Other then that life has been great... except the staying up til three to clean my sister's apartment (fun but late) and the not being able to see my friends because I lack a car, and they lack Driver's licenses (still, at almost 18) and the dishes, which are a mess. and the fact that I haven't eaten enough today and my blazer and my school tie disappearing. oh and lets not forget the fact that I hurt all over and won't see the chiropractor till Monday. To top it all off, I might not be able to dance next year. Something about not making my brothers wait for me after school since I'm the driver.

Driving Slow on Sunday Morning

Listening to Maroon 5 right now and I feel distinctly like crying, for no reason. Ever had those moments when everything hits you all at once and suddenly it's like you can't get enough oxygen, like someone is standing to close breathing in just before you do and you're in an enclosed space and no one seems to notice as you die a little? Your brain zones out and it's all you can do to keep from screaming right then and there, or falling to your knees trying to hold in the hole in your middle that seems to be trying it's hardest to split you in two, but you keep smiling long enough to find a room? You just manage to hold it together, and let’s face it; most of the people around you are on the verge of breaking down too? Well, I have no idea what that feels like. Let's try another one. Have you ever been around someone who has the ability to not only finish your sentences, but your thoughts? Someone who makes you feel so weak to be around them, because the only thing keeping you from telling them that they mean the world to you (or at least part of your world) is the fact that you're scared of what they would say or think, and you know they don't censure anything like that around you, because they are so not interested? Someone that you're grudging to be around, until you see them, and then it doesn't matter how much you know it will hurt later, because all that matters is the fact that they make you laugh and you don't have to worry about anything, anything but their reaction to a rant too late at night for you to censure anything you think, let alone feel? Yeah, never felt that either. Oh I know! How about when you listen to peoples' problems, and they seem so trivial and normal compared to what you see each night in your dreams? Dreams that take hours to get over? And these people have no idea, because they don't only not want to know, they refuse to listen to the horrors? Or when a song describes you so perfectly, except it doesn't seem as extreme as your life? Or when songs you used to love are ruined because it describes someone you know perfectly, and not in the way you always thought the song was describing the hero before? Nope, that one doesn't relate either. How about when music starts to get twisted because the notes are too painful to listen to? When the thing that's always been your main source of comfort feels painful because it reminds you too much of the others you've known who love, or loved, those sounds almost as much as you do? The thing you move to, breathe to, and wanted to live your life to, is now something that just suspends you in times lost and gone? Times that were happy, and are now unreachable; times that are regretted and that you want to go back to with you're whole being so you can change them? Hmm, sounds a little familiar... nope doesn't ring a bell.

Fascinations

I don't know why but certain songs jump out at me as perfectly describing me, or someone I know. For instance, Good Life perfectly describes my "big brother". (He looks out for me like a big brother) and then there's Hero by Enrique Iglesius, which perfectly describes a stalker. Also there are those songs that I just can't get out of my head for no other reason then they fascinate me. Invisible by Skylar Grey happens to be one of those songs. I don't quite know what it is, maybe the morbid picture it paints, but I don't think so, I think it has more to do with the fact that I know people actually go to such lengths to be noticed. They do it because it's part of human nature, to be the center of attention. It all seems like such a conundrum to me sometimes. Perhaps it's the fact that everyone feels invisible at some point that makes this song so poignant? Definitely something to think about. "Everyday I try to look my best, Even though inside I'm such a mess, Why do I always feel invisible, invisible?" I feel like as soon as I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind. Does anyone read these without getting a notification first? Okay, pity party is over. I hope you all are sleeping, and when you read this, I hope you like it, because that's all we thrive on, hope.