Unsaid Words

So I adore working with Gerber everyday. I LOVE the drama chickens. I have gained a great friend in Tenika thanks to Journalism, the drama chickens, and dropping out of AP chem together (Finals are next week and then I never have to try to warp my brain into separate universes at light speed to understand the topics brought up by those around me.) and I'm so glad to know her. Life is crazy, but I can laugh at it all and smile.

I really miss Michael, but am grateful every time I get to see him (I'm ungrounded end of next week by the way.) and can I just say that I love feeling comfortable with myself around him. I don't have to use small words (or define any words), I don't have to hold in my emotions around him for fear of him trying to run into semi's later, and I don't have to stress about being perfect every second of every minute I'm around him. (though admittedly we only get to see each other twice a week, for minutes at a time...did I mention I'm excited to be ungrounded?)

I love "The Hairnet", and I'm soo glad that it doesn't have to be reviewed by the Board of Directors. Gerber I'm working on a teen pregnancy piece, will it come before or after the 'Horrorscopes'? Also, I love the mock-ups of dearblankpleaseblank that Tenika and I wrote.

I am seriously considering starting private ballroom lessons, but don't have a partner. I would like to ask one or two of the guys from ballroom, but private lessons are expensive. I just don't feel like I'm progressing at all in our 'class' after school. It was supposed to be a team, with at least one coach who could teach cabaret, but there isn't. We haven't moved beyond basic steps all term because we've been reteaching the basics every single class, but without fail someone wasn't paying attention, or wasn't there the day before, so we start all over again. I dance because I feel so in sync with myself, my partner, and those who's problems are rolling around in my head. I feel like I'm more than whole, like I'm graceful and even a little beautiful. I can't feel that way if most of the class is spent on steps I learned four years ago. I love when Mr. Call comes and actually dances with the girls because I can feel in sync doing anything, any step, and mistake even. That's what it's about, it's about feeling right deep down to your core (though sometimes it's hard to feel that right and/or whole in your core when you can't feel your core after the first warm-up stretches.)

Maybe I will progress in ballroom and be able to compete internationally, but right now I'd settle for being able to compete at all. Actually, I'd settle for being able to feel the rightness of dance everyday.

The unconscious brain provides us with about four hundred words per second to say. Those words go through the filter between our conscious and unconscious minds. We never use all those words, ever. Those words we don't use that our brains have supplied up with, translates into our bodies. A lot of it translates into body language. Did you know that your body language can tell you where you store all those extra words? Well it can, and does. People that are really animated and use their hands to speak, will aways have a base position or motion. That tells you the place, or places, that bother that person the most with their body, aka the place they store their unsaid words. This can often translate into physical pain. My mom thinks that's part of why I've felt so sick. She wanted me to write something every week to help with letting the words out safely. That's how this post started I guess. The unsaid words wanted to be heard.

Also, Greg should stop trying to avoid Amanda. He's not tactful in the least. For now I say, 'Farewell.'

Today

What's your definition of a kiss? Just wondering.

Life is like a swiftly tilting planet, and the milkyway comes from the cow who jumped over the moon.

"Dear Mother,

 

"On purpose?" is not an appropriate response when I tell you I went jogging.

 

Sincerely, no, I was being chased by gophers."

 

I thought that was funny, thanks dearblankpleaseblank.com!

I know I'm not alone, but seriously?!?

So, I had a REALLY BAD day yesterday... I don't know why really. I just am so stressed over my AP classes that I'm kinda just shutting down. My body is on strike again. It's sending shooting pains through my arms (like fingertips up into the base of my neck) and also in my leg. Caffeine makes my head feel fuzzy and funny, and not in a good way. I had some for the first time yesterday, and it totally overpowered the Ibuprofen I'd taken earlier that day. But Dr. Pepper tastes pretty good... I talked to my cousin for awhile after that (maybe that's why I was in a bad mood not the caffeine...Not that my cousin makes me grumpy, but he made me talk about things that make me grumpy because he didn't know about any of it.) And then I went home...an hour late...my mom was so mad! I had been helping someone with chemistry which is why we had stayed, and then while I was talking to my cousin, she had been finishing her homework. My mom yelled at me when I got home. and I went into my room and cried, then I went downstairs to get more Ibuprofen, and my older sister (who normally is the one who comforts me) told me that my younger brother (who had had to wait at the school while I was busy) had told her that she was suppose to ignore me, and then she did just that. I was crying again before I turned around, but she kept ignoring me. I cried for several minutes before I calmed myself down enough to start on my AP History homework. I finished all of my homework before I had mutual, and I didn't want to go. I really think that life is just having issues. I'm sitting by some of my friends I've known since 8th grade, and they haven't noticed that I'm crying, they're to busy. GRRRRRRRRR sometimes I hate myself. I hate being jealous, I hate being small, I hate my nose, I hate how I never reach my potential, I hate that I know everyone, but almost no one knows me. I'm done writing for awhile because it makes me too upset.

loosely fitting skin # dos

I'm me. I know that's who I am, but who is me? Me is a little girl who spends more time consulting novels than her parents. Me is a girl who wanted to read so bad, but my mom wouldn't teach me until my older sister had almost finished. Me is a girl who has to look out for everyone while they think they're looking out for me. Me is a girl who just wants to be done with high school and on to college. Me is a girl who sat for hours on her bed reading, all through the night most of the time. Me is a girl who struggles to gain weight because when I was sitting on my bed reading, I wouldn't eat, I would forget. Me is someone who has nightmares every night, even though they're supposed to be for little kids. Me is a girl who went by the nickname 'nobody' in ninth grade. Me is the person who's best friend 'set her up' with her first boyfriend, and regretted it. Me is someone who can't hate anybody, but wishes she could sometimes. Me is a girl who is invisible to teachers and administration. Me is a girl who is slightly bi-polar sometimes. Me is a girl who adores Michael. Me is a girl who hears awful things everyday from people who are dating. Me is a girl. Me is, well, me.

Writing helps

I know I sound like a whiny little child whose candy was just dropped in a pile of dirt and leaves, but I'm not entirely sure I can help it. I don't know how to make anything better, I'm so scarred that when people come and go, the people I need the most will go. I know the world is a dark place if that's all you look for, I understand that it can be the happiest place known to man if we're looking in the right places, so I guess I just need some practice. I have amazing people surrounding me, my family, my friends, even my less-than-friend friends. They all have amazing things about them, and I know because I can't help but see those things. No matter how long winter seems, summer will always come. I get to see Michael at least twice a week. :) I am smart and can get whatever grades I chose. I get to see my dad this weekend. My sister is being ordained as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am extremely fit for someone who does almost no physical activity (I'm extremely fit for any teenage girl actually.) I get to do a project on Texi Dance Halls around World War II with two great friends. I can control myself when I need to. Oh who am I kidding? I'm an extremely luck person. Despite that, I'm still a person, one who is still scarred of the same things, "sex, love, rock 'n' roll, heavy metal disco." actually that pretty much sums it up. Have a good life y'all! :D

Life in This Losely Fitting Skin

Michael, thank you for being so AMAZING! No, when I say 'that's on the list' it isn't because I don't like it, or it doesn't make me happy, it's because I need boundaries because I'm scared. No matter how hard I try to just act annoyed at what people say, I'm terrified of becoming pregnant, whether I'm married at the time or no, and I am scared of losing you, even if it's only for a few seconds if you lose your head. I know it happens, I don't want it to happen to you. I love you. And that terrifies me. Things are crazy enough as it is without a boyfriend, but I couldn't do without you. (no Kemsley I'm NOT dependant, just ecstatic to be around him) I don't know what will happen in the future, and I don't know when I'll get married, or to whom, I don't know if it'll be a return missionary or not, but I know I want to get married in the temple. I want to be able to stand before God and have my spouse by my side. The thing is, I'm scared I'll never make it, not that I'm not worthy for the temple, but that my body will shut down first. Already it hurts to eat, and it hurts not to eat. It hurts to stand, or to stand to long. I want to curl up next to you and fall asleep when that happens, because sleep helps, I just can't sleep through the night.

I'm sO Mad RiGHt noW I feEl LiKe cRyIng

So one of my favorite subjects this past year was Chemistry. I was planning on taking AP Chem this year, my senior year. I was told last spring, by my counselor, that that would be just fine because I passed Algebra 2 with such high grades (not to mention Chemistry). So imagine my surprise this fall while registering for classes, when AP Chem is not on the available class list. I emailed my counselor very upset and asked what had happened. He emailed me back and told me I couldn't take the class, no explanation or anything. So when we went in to talk to my little brother's counselor, we asked about AP Chem, and she told us that AP Chem wasn't full and she could put me in it if we went and talked to my Chem teacher first to make sure I was up to it according to him (she also said that my counselor believed in having students take Biology, Chemistry, and Physics and I haven't had physics but that shouldn't be a problem if I was OK with out it). We talked to him and he explained that there were so many students wanting to take AP that they were having to limit the admission, so they had four slots open, and a waiting list for those slots. He told us that because I am a senior, and I have finished the minimum math level requirement (Algebra 2) that I would be top of the list. He told me that just over two weeks before school starts, he also told us that 1. I should email him so he'd remember to put me on the list, and 2. It would be decided by the following Thursday (yesterday). When I didn't hear anything for most of the day yesterday I emailed him and asked what was going on, and he told me that he was sorry, but I hadn't made it into any of the four open slots. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW I COULD BE TOP OF THE LIST AND STILL NOT GET IN! Can someone PLEASE explain that to me?!? Other then that life has been great... except the staying up til three to clean my sister's apartment (fun but late) and the not being able to see my friends because I lack a car, and they lack Driver's licenses (still, at almost 18) and the dishes, which are a mess. and the fact that I haven't eaten enough today and my blazer and my school tie disappearing. oh and lets not forget the fact that I hurt all over and won't see the chiropractor till Monday. To top it all off, I might not be able to dance next year. Something about not making my brothers wait for me after school since I'm the driver.