Concussions are not conducive to an active life

Almost two months ago I was playing a team version of minute to win it. One of the challenges was to spin a whole roll of toilet paper around myself. Now I'm a dancer, but after three minutes straight of spinning, I was dizzy. I slipped on some of the toilet paper. The floor, which had already been spinning, came towards my face as I went flying. My head connected with the edge of a wooden stair. I blacked out.

I woke up just a few seconds later, but I knew what had happened and nothing much seemed to be that matter, it didn't even hurt. At least it didn't hurt much right then. By the time I left the building, I couldn't walk steadily. I am a well balanced person normally due to all the dancing I do, but I was all over the place walking to my car. My head felt fuzzy. I drive myself home, but I know I was swerving all over the road. I walk inside and got some ice for my head. It was really starting to hurt and I felt almost as if I was confined inside the pain in my head, floating above the rest of my body.

My mom got home soon after. She looked at me, and asked what the ice was for. I told her what had happened. She promptly sent me to bed with instructions to wake her if I threw up. I woke up a couple hours later and ran down the hall to the bathroom. I was sick. I fell asleep on the floor waking up once more with a nasty surge in my throat. After that I went back to my room, to tired to make it down the stair to my mom's room. When my mom woke up the next morning I was asleep in an armchair with my niece who had been crying all morning. She asked me how my night had gone. When she heard the answer she called my doctor. An exam and a CT scan later, I had a huge aversion to light, I had seen a picture of my brain, and I had a doctors orders to stay in bed and do nothing but watch movies.

I was supposed to leave on an LDS mission six days later. I was on edge all week not knowing if they would let me go that week or not. I met with all my family and friends and said goodbye on sunday, still unsure if I was leaving that week. Monday I had a plethora of visitors wishing me well and preventing me from resting from a particularly nasty headache. Tuesday dawned and I forced tylenol and IBUprofen into my system as fast as was safe. The headaches were better, enough so that I was able to pack that day. The next day, again loaded on pain relievers, I entered the MTC optimistic of my condition. Far too much so. The next day the headaches were back in force. Friday I was refered, or rather ordered, to the MTC medical clinic. They referred me to a clinic at the Provo hospital that frequently dealt with concussions.  

We made an appointment for Tuesday.  By the time Sunday rolled around I was so dizzy and nauseous that I was unable to stomach any food. The pain of the headaches was waking me up frequently at night. Tuesday my vision started to flicker. I was terrified. We went to see the doctors and whilst talking to my mother they agreed that going home to recover might be the best option.

After many meetings with different leaders, it was decided. I would leave Wednesday or Thursday. We went back to the classroom and tried to continue the studies scheduled for that time. I looked down at the page and the words were moving and blurring. The lights started to throb and pulsate. Sound became muffled and then suddenly deafening. Then the first wave of pain hit. I thought the pain that had been waking me at night was bad, but it was nothing. Wave after wave of this awful pain slammed into my head. I couldn't see anything but flashing lights. Sounds were so loud they were unintelligible. All I understood was the pain. I started to cry, scream, beg for the pain to go away. I said no over and over again.

I felt like I was being poked and pulled. Yanked in several directions at once. I felt a strong stab of pain on the side of my skull soon replaced by a new wave of pain from inside my head. It felt like hours, or seconds later that I became aware of another young sister missionary talking to me, asking me questions. I answered in between waves.  I was in another room. It had only been twenty minutes. I had walked part of the way out of the room supported by one of the young men that was in our classroom. He'd let go in the hall thinking I would support myself and I'd fallen into a wall. They had given me a blessing by the power and authority of the God of Abraham,  Issac, and Jacob.

One of the other young men had ran across the MTC campus to the med clinic, and had run back carrying a wheelchair over his head, yelling at everyone to move. They carried me to the wheelchair since the only way out of the building was down a flight of stairs. All of the lights were too strong, noises too loud. Everything was echoing in my head. I was home in two hours.

I'm hoping to be able to go back soon, but words and pages still blur. This post has been written in parts. I have not had a day go by in which I had even a few moments of being headache free.

It all starts with 'Almost two months ago'.

Frustrations resolved

Are you really just not ready for me?
Why does it hurt?
Can I survive the trauma?
How can this change me?


Why won't it stop?
How do you continue on?
Do you still care?
How are you standing tall?


Why do I feel still?
How can you ignore it?
How can you leave me?
Do you blame me?

Was it my fault?
Did I change?
Do I repulse you?
Did you ever love me?

What did I see in you?
Did I really cry over you?

The Secret Life of an American Teenager

So here's the thing: my life is not messed up enough that I need a secret life. Everyone that cares knows that I'm single again, and that as of Seven O'clock this evening, I hadn't cried about it. Well then I watched some dance movie, which I thought would be a save bet to help me along with the not crying thing, until the plot developed and duh duh duh! the main character found a hand shaped bruise  on her best friends arm, one created by her boyfriend. she confronts the boyfriend and wonder of wonders, he runs away. Only to come back when his girlfriend is alone at the house. He started hurting her and she tried to talk him out of it, but he just cut off her air while he yelled at her, until he was done yelling, and he let go but she didn't move. I haven't been able to keep from crying since. At first it was just about the movie, but within five minutes it wasn't any more. Hopefully I'll be able to convince Daniel to take his stuff to him tomorrow or Wednesday. Honestly though, if all the rest of my life wasn't so amazing I might have need for a secret life. I have ten of my best friends living in the same house and sharing my last name. I have amazing older sisters who force me to be better then my standard for myself. I hiked nine miles with one of my pregnant sisters and her best friend, slept through a sandstorm, watched a meteor shower, and slept in a vehicle that averaged one hundred miles per hour. I've been visited by all my friends that have been 'in the neighbor hood' and talked to others who just said the right thing. I hurt my toe the day before the hike, but it didn't hurt to bad as long as I kept my shoes off. ;) I hiked up to Angel's Landing and then did a bit of the Narrows and got soaked. :) My orange committed suicide, and a chiper-dee-munk ate the random bit of food that I accidently dropped because it's against the law to feed the animals so of course I didn't do it intentionally. ;) OH! And I'm terrified of heights. Good thing neither of them captured me hugging the ground after I felt unbalanced!

'Mormons' aka The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

I am so glad to be a part of this, the most complete church. I cannot even describe what I have felt these last few weeks as I've delved into the history of this church. I have never felt so loved and at peace. I want to cry, like Samuel of old, from a city wall that I know the truth. I want to show everyone how much peace and joy comes from knowing of our Heavenly Father's plan for us. I know I can see my little brother again. I want to shake people and somehow get it through their heads that they can live with their families forever. They will see them after death. I cannot say how much I have loved being surrounded by such strong youth.  I miss them more and more each day.

Drama? I love it!

No, I'm not talking about the kind of drama where your best friend does something you don't like and you fight for weeks. I'm talking about that wonderful group of kids currently taking middle school drama at my school, from the teacher I help. They are so cute!!!! They are currently learning a dance to perform in two days. They are totally rocking it! just wanted to say that because they made me laugh so hard today.

Australia

I kinda really wanna try an anzac cookie... Just saying. So, I'm almost done with high school. I have just over two weeks left before I'm done! I'm excited but it's awful to force myself to actually go to all my classes. I have two more ballroom performances and my little brother is also performing! the week after school ends I'm going camping with some of the girls from my neighborhood. Techniqually it's not even camping, we're going to a resort! I'M EXCITED! Also, my oldest sister found out two or three months ago that she's pregnant, and my third oldest sister got to seperate possitive test today! In nine months I'm going to be an aunt! TIMES TWO! Ani is excited no matter the gender, and Kaiti wants a boy. I'm hosting a group date at my house this saturday and it should be really fun. :) a fair amount of my friends are going to try to come so my mom can finally meet a bunch of them. There are a couple people who couldn't come for one reason or another, but we'll some more latter for them to come to. I'm tired so I'm not writing anymore. BYE!

Homosexuality

i read an article today about a man who is happy with his wife and son despite the fact that he feels same-sex attraction. it was very eye-opening. i really have a hard time reconciling my feelings toward homosexuality because i feel so strongly that if we really loved everyone the way we are supposed to we would never be able to treat them the way the are treated daily, especially in Utah. on the other hand, i believe that marriage is divinely destined to be a sacred bond between a man and a woman. this story really helped my realize that it is possible to have a loving relationship with a woman when your hormones are pulling you towards men.

that just struck me as a topic i wanted to talk about so there ya go! :)