Life in This Losely Fitting Skin

Michael, thank you for being so AMAZING! No, when I say 'that's on the list' it isn't because I don't like it, or it doesn't make me happy, it's because I need boundaries because I'm scared. No matter how hard I try to just act annoyed at what people say, I'm terrified of becoming pregnant, whether I'm married at the time or no, and I am scared of losing you, even if it's only for a few seconds if you lose your head. I know it happens, I don't want it to happen to you. I love you. And that terrifies me. Things are crazy enough as it is without a boyfriend, but I couldn't do without you. (no Kemsley I'm NOT dependant, just ecstatic to be around him) I don't know what will happen in the future, and I don't know when I'll get married, or to whom, I don't know if it'll be a return missionary or not, but I know I want to get married in the temple. I want to be able to stand before God and have my spouse by my side. The thing is, I'm scared I'll never make it, not that I'm not worthy for the temple, but that my body will shut down first. Already it hurts to eat, and it hurts not to eat. It hurts to stand, or to stand to long. I want to curl up next to you and fall asleep when that happens, because sleep helps, I just can't sleep through the night.

I'm sO Mad RiGHt noW I feEl LiKe cRyIng

So one of my favorite subjects this past year was Chemistry. I was planning on taking AP Chem this year, my senior year. I was told last spring, by my counselor, that that would be just fine because I passed Algebra 2 with such high grades (not to mention Chemistry). So imagine my surprise this fall while registering for classes, when AP Chem is not on the available class list. I emailed my counselor very upset and asked what had happened. He emailed me back and told me I couldn't take the class, no explanation or anything. So when we went in to talk to my little brother's counselor, we asked about AP Chem, and she told us that AP Chem wasn't full and she could put me in it if we went and talked to my Chem teacher first to make sure I was up to it according to him (she also said that my counselor believed in having students take Biology, Chemistry, and Physics and I haven't had physics but that shouldn't be a problem if I was OK with out it). We talked to him and he explained that there were so many students wanting to take AP that they were having to limit the admission, so they had four slots open, and a waiting list for those slots. He told us that because I am a senior, and I have finished the minimum math level requirement (Algebra 2) that I would be top of the list. He told me that just over two weeks before school starts, he also told us that 1. I should email him so he'd remember to put me on the list, and 2. It would be decided by the following Thursday (yesterday). When I didn't hear anything for most of the day yesterday I emailed him and asked what was going on, and he told me that he was sorry, but I hadn't made it into any of the four open slots. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW I COULD BE TOP OF THE LIST AND STILL NOT GET IN! Can someone PLEASE explain that to me?!? Other then that life has been great... except the staying up til three to clean my sister's apartment (fun but late) and the not being able to see my friends because I lack a car, and they lack Driver's licenses (still, at almost 18) and the dishes, which are a mess. and the fact that I haven't eaten enough today and my blazer and my school tie disappearing. oh and lets not forget the fact that I hurt all over and won't see the chiropractor till Monday. To top it all off, I might not be able to dance next year. Something about not making my brothers wait for me after school since I'm the driver.

Driving Slow on Sunday Morning

Listening to Maroon 5 right now and I feel distinctly like crying, for no reason. Ever had those moments when everything hits you all at once and suddenly it's like you can't get enough oxygen, like someone is standing to close breathing in just before you do and you're in an enclosed space and no one seems to notice as you die a little? Your brain zones out and it's all you can do to keep from screaming right then and there, or falling to your knees trying to hold in the hole in your middle that seems to be trying it's hardest to split you in two, but you keep smiling long enough to find a room? You just manage to hold it together, and let’s face it; most of the people around you are on the verge of breaking down too? Well, I have no idea what that feels like. Let's try another one. Have you ever been around someone who has the ability to not only finish your sentences, but your thoughts? Someone who makes you feel so weak to be around them, because the only thing keeping you from telling them that they mean the world to you (or at least part of your world) is the fact that you're scared of what they would say or think, and you know they don't censure anything like that around you, because they are so not interested? Someone that you're grudging to be around, until you see them, and then it doesn't matter how much you know it will hurt later, because all that matters is the fact that they make you laugh and you don't have to worry about anything, anything but their reaction to a rant too late at night for you to censure anything you think, let alone feel? Yeah, never felt that either. Oh I know! How about when you listen to peoples' problems, and they seem so trivial and normal compared to what you see each night in your dreams? Dreams that take hours to get over? And these people have no idea, because they don't only not want to know, they refuse to listen to the horrors? Or when a song describes you so perfectly, except it doesn't seem as extreme as your life? Or when songs you used to love are ruined because it describes someone you know perfectly, and not in the way you always thought the song was describing the hero before? Nope, that one doesn't relate either. How about when music starts to get twisted because the notes are too painful to listen to? When the thing that's always been your main source of comfort feels painful because it reminds you too much of the others you've known who love, or loved, those sounds almost as much as you do? The thing you move to, breathe to, and wanted to live your life to, is now something that just suspends you in times lost and gone? Times that were happy, and are now unreachable; times that are regretted and that you want to go back to with you're whole being so you can change them? Hmm, sounds a little familiar... nope doesn't ring a bell.

Fascinations

I don't know why but certain songs jump out at me as perfectly describing me, or someone I know. For instance, Good Life perfectly describes my "big brother". (He looks out for me like a big brother) and then there's Hero by Enrique Iglesius, which perfectly describes a stalker. Also there are those songs that I just can't get out of my head for no other reason then they fascinate me. Invisible by Skylar Grey happens to be one of those songs. I don't quite know what it is, maybe the morbid picture it paints, but I don't think so, I think it has more to do with the fact that I know people actually go to such lengths to be noticed. They do it because it's part of human nature, to be the center of attention. It all seems like such a conundrum to me sometimes. Perhaps it's the fact that everyone feels invisible at some point that makes this song so poignant? Definitely something to think about. "Everyday I try to look my best, Even though inside I'm such a mess, Why do I always feel invisible, invisible?" I feel like as soon as I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind. Does anyone read these without getting a notification first? Okay, pity party is over. I hope you all are sleeping, and when you read this, I hope you like it, because that's all we thrive on, hope.

Background

Hi all,
I know I just wrote, but I find I feel very cramped and confined in my house. My brain still hasn't recovered completely from school, but I miss school soooo MUCH! The academics are honestly something I wouldn't be able to handle right now, but I miss my dance classes. I want school to start just for that reason, I'll take the brain-bashing part just fine, so long as I can dance every day afterwards. I haven't really kept up with my hours of exercise I was doing before school let out, and I'm loosing weight because of it. I hate fickle bodies! (note: not bodies, just the fickleness of them) I also think I wouldn't mind actually going on dates my senior year, now that I'm single it's totally plausible, but probably not probable. I adore hanging out with my friends though. I probably wouldn't be writing today if it weren't for the fact that I "helped" my uncle and his family move instead of going to one of my friends' houses. Though I have to admit, when I told my dad I wouldn't be of any use, I wasn't expecting to spend almost two hours sitting in an empty master bedroom waiting for my pants to dry. (more on that next time, maybe.) But alas I did, and all that after getting up early to clean the house for a showing, and the people came over twenty minutes early, and didn't stay on the property more then five minutes. It felt like a lot of wasted effort. I'm pretty sure they were just curious about the inside, not even really interested to start with! It irks me more then just a little bit. I digress. Back to dancing, something that I wish for more every time I get upset. I loved the showcase at the end of the year, I loved the fact that I was in all but two of the numbers, more than anybody else. I loved that I helped with almost every part of it. In short, I loved being the center of attention. I really want that again, the feeling of being good at something. I want to be in the spotlight, so maybe that's why I picked the background I picked, maybe that's why I write at all, maybe that's why I listen to other people's problems, maybe that's why I work so hard to be there for everyone. I want that millisecond of attention. Who knows why I want it, human nature, to many siblings, not enough siblings, I don't know. but I know what I want to do. I want to get as good as I can at dance, maybe good enough for a scholarship. I want to go to college, get a degree in dance, and then teach my way through psychology graduate school. Because I want that attention, but I also want to help. Maybe I'll want something else in a year, I don't know, but not knowing is part of being a teenager right? For now, I want to dance, and teach, and choreograph, but I like listening, and helping and being able to say they wouldn't have made it there without me, I don't think I can truly say that yet, but maybe someday...

SUMMER IS HERE! (sort of)

It's been awhile since I've writen anything, but since it annoys me to no end when someone apologizes for something like that, I'm not going to. Where to start though? How about with the things that made my life to busy to worry about blogging? First there was my dance showcase, then Finals week. After all that, graduation, parties, and then, oh right oh could I forget this, being grounded. Don't get me wrong, I don't enjoy being grounded in the least, but it wasn't so bad this time because I had girls camp most of the first week, and a family vacation to Sand Hollow the next. Like I said, not to bad a grounding. When I got home though, I was still grounded for a couple days until, dadada! the weekend! I watched Harry Potter 7 part one for the first time squished on a two person couch with a few of my friends while a couple others sat on the other couch and laughed at us, HArry Potter had to wait however when Cedar Hills started lighting off FIREWORKS!!!! (Ilovethosethings!!!) and then we went back to Harry Potter, on a tv that had mood swings.... greatest thing ever! half of everybody ended up asleep at one point or another though. Until... the SNAKE! as anybody ever told Voldemort he won't be getting many friends having a pet snake that kills old ladies? Somebody might want to shoot him an email. Monday my parents left on a cruise, and even though my sister and her husband are here after work each day, guess who babysits the rest of the time? Your's truely. I honestly don't mind my family, they're fun to be around sometimes, but I have cabin fever so bad this week. I'm so glad my parents are on their way back from the airport right now, I want to be out of the house.

Thank You Seminary Teachers

These last few weeks have been very hard. My temporary little brother is in the hospital again. I am in my Junior year of high school and am trying to figure out which colleges to send my ACT scores to. I'm taking an ACT prep class. I have all Honors classes thanks to the fact that my high school doesn't offer anything less than honors. I have no part of my body that's in alignment with the rest. I've been doing yoga in Fit for Life, and can't even do the parts that require me to lay flat on my back, because my body is in to much pain to lay flat. I can't sleep without strange unsettling dreams, or replays of the worst parts of my life thus far. (not yet in my twenties, I doubt life "could never get harder than this!" and I'm OK with that) I have a strange guy at school who will not take the hint and leave me alone, and even went so far yesterday as to hug me after I had clearly said no you may not hug me. To add to all this, my parents want to list our house to sell by this Saturday. Headaches are normal for me, not having one is very strange, but lately it's not having migraines that's strange. I have seen my dad hardly at all over the last couple weeks, and never when he has time. The highlight of my day are the last two of my eight classes each day: Seminary and Ballroom. I love music with my entire being. Seminary is the only way I get through the day. Today I couldn't take everything anymore, so I walked out to the seminary building during lunch, and asked my Seminary teacher to give me a blessing, he grabbed one of the other seminary teachers and though neither of them had oil, they gave me a blessing of comfort and peace. I'm not scared to sleep tonight, and I'm pretty sure I can make it through the end of the school year without my brain exploding. Thank you so much dear seminary teachers all over!